Relative View

Balancing tasks, attitudes part of a family's story

Abby Shifriss | courtesy photos

Abby, our youngest, volunteering in Americorps before she went to college, ended up stripping bark from trees as her team helped to construct a nature center in Oregon.

I watched a PBS interview Bill Moyers did with anthropologist Mary Catherine Bateson years ago.
She spoke of leaving Iran, where her husband was teaching, when the 1979 revolution happened: “I had friends who were happy to go back to the veil, because at least then their roles were defined. In our country, men and women are struggling with who does what.”
I loved that interview so much that I wrote Bateson a letter, asking if she were teaching any classes in the Boston area, where we lived then. (I had read “Blackberry Winter,” the autobiography of Bateson’s mother, Margaret Mead, and knew that she lived in Boston.)
I explained that I was at home with my baby son, thinking about next steps in my work life.
She called and offered me a job as her assistant.
Bateson has written about women and work and juggling time and needs, especially in “Composing a Life.” But for the couple of years that I worked for her in Boston while she was teaching in Washington, D.C., during the week (opening her mail; doing errands or trips to the airport; walking her big Akita dog, Shizou — all with my little son in tow), I learned from seeing her home life that she and her husband found ways to both have demanding jobs and take care of some needs at home as well.
For instance, they lived in a big triple-decker house. They had the top two floors and the bottom floor was an apartment, usually rented to a couple of graduate students at a good price, with the understanding that someone would be there when their daughter came home from school.
And being her assistant worked well for me, needing to make some money as well as take care of my toddler, as well as for her and her husband, working long hours as professors.
I don’t know what the background was in their house, but over the years, so much of trying to juggle tasks and demands in our home ... let’s just say there has been plenty of talk about just who does what.
And hiring help, as Bateson hired me? Not possible for us.
We tried, as our Shifriss Adventure Team (the name my husband, Jordie, gave to our family even before the kids were born) grew up, to emphasize personal responsibility and teamwork, non-sex-role-related.
I was heard to say, “Laundry is not brain surgery!” and then when I took a few journalism classes, “I abdicate as Queen of this kitchen!” Then, conversely, I would expect my husband to take care of car problems. (I am ashamed of that.)
Though I’ve often found myself stuck in old patterns, the kids don’t seem to be.
For instance, Adam makes a really fine pie crust (which he learned in nutrition class at Bloomington High School North). And he’s the only member of the family to routinely use an iron.
Amalia, in Los Angeles, has been involved in several accidents in which her car was rear-ended. One was especially challenging: “The man who hit me tried to say I hit the car in front of me first. I don’t know if he thought I would just cave and not fight it because I am a woman, and was dealing with it on my own, or because he was part of a very famous family. But I fought, I got a lawyer and we went to arbitration. It took a long time, but I won.”
And Abby, our youngest, volunteering in Americorps before she went to college, ended up stripping bark from trees as her team helped to construct a nature center in Oregon. Although I call myself a feminist, I felt shocked when she told me she had been trained to use a chainsaw. She said “That’s why I didn’t tell you until afterwards.”
Change does happen, even if it takes a while. I’m still learning.

Contact Lynne Foster Shifriss at lshifriss@yahoo.com.

To be of use

By Marge Piercy

The people I love the best

jump into work head first

without dallying in the shallows

and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.

They seem to become natives of that element,

the black sleek heads of seals

bouncing like half-submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,

who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,

who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,

who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge

in the task, who go into the fields to harvest

and work in a row and pass the bags along,

who are not parlor generals and field deserters

but move in a common rhythm

when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.

Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.

But the thing worth doing well done

has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.

Greek amphoras for wine or oil,

Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums

but you know they were made to be used.

The pitcher cries for water to carry

and a person for work that is real.

Marge Piercy, "To be of use" from Circles on the Water. Copyright © 1982 by Marge Piercy. Used by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, an imprint of the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC. All rights reserved.

Source: Circles on the Water: Selected Poems of Marge Piercy (Alfred A. Knopf, 1982)

A perfect caketopper

Amy and Barb

I attended a lovely party yesterday, a wedding reception for Amy Ira and Barb Ralls (Barb is a long-time editor at the H-T.) I had to leave because we had tickets for a play with our family, but I had wanted to make a toast, and so here are the words I had in my mind to say.

**********************

Twenty years ago, when I came to work at the Herald-Times, our youngest child Abby was just three. Over the next few years, we attended parties at Barb and Amy's house, and most memorably, I would always take Abby trick-or-treating over to Barb and Amy's house, where they would have set up a table in the driveway, hospitably handing out candy to kids. 

Abby said back then, "Why can't Barb and Amy get married?" 

I told her "They ARE married, in every way except legally."

Now, all these years later, that time has come. Even in Indiana, people's rights are being recognized. 

And I am a very proud mama that yesterday, our son Adam, in Indianapolis for a friend's wedding, walked in the Gay Pride parade downtown with his former boss, Baron Hill, and other friends.

And our Abby was walking in the Gay Pride parade, too, with the group PRISM, a Bloomington group for teens, celebrating all sexual orientations and gender identities and expressions. We are proud that she is being an intern this summer for PRISM.

Times change for the better, and I am so happy to be celebrating Barb and Amy's marriage, after so many years of being wonderful partners for each other. Here's to many more years of happiness for Barb and Amy!

Amy and former H-T newsroom jill-of-all-trades, Carol Thompson

Birdie — oh, we'll call you Richard if you insist! — Johnson and Bob Zaltsberg

Getting ready to cut the cake, and thanking sister Carla for everything

Carol Thompson, Jane Hanser and Joyce Thomas

Rainbow cupcakes couldn't be more perfect!

Laura Lane, Bethany Nolan Knight and Carol Kugler admire Bethany's baby pix!

Happy 2014 from the Shifriss family Lynne's update: In summer, I gave up wheat for a while, inspired during our stay with friends Barb & Craig Benson on Capitol Island, Maine. Think I am going back to that for awhile. I felt light and more energetic. Why are so many delicious things made of wheat? Never mind, I will learn new patterns. I have been walking and walking more, which is great for my mind and body. The name of the game for me, this coming year, is discipline. As Emily, the daughter of our friends Audrey & Ken Heller, wrote on her blog, Triumph Wellness, "Self-discipline has to be developed like a muscle." I'm going to work on that in many areas of my life this year. To explain our family collage of scenes from this fall ... clockwise from the top left corner, Amalia & Abby taking a family walk on the Clear Creek trail, with Jordie & our dog Sadie, during Thanksgiving time; next two pix are Jordie, Abby & Amalia, then Adam doing Thanksgiving prep, when it was really fun, working together; next two are our family and my sister Lee, husband Eric & twins Ruthie & Gracie, together for a long brunch at Shapiro's; then Abby, Donna Baron, Amalia & Bonnie Gordon-Lucas, during a fun Chanukah night; next three are art that we love ... the red frame is a sculpture by Jordie in our front yard; then a hamsa work by Bonnie, a very special gift to us; then the painting by our neighbor Meg Lagodzki, a gift from Lynne to Jordie for Chanukah (see below ... there are several chanukiot made by Jordie, & the crocheted tablecloth was given to our family— and made by — my grandma, Amy Violet Foster); then is me, ready to go and support the Hoosiers (our three kids gifted Jordie & me with four IU basketball games); then is Jordie with our cat, Motek (which means "sweetie" in Hebrew), who always likes to "help" Jordie when he's working on the computer. Finally, the last photo is a reminder. The time is now. Whether it's time with family, reflection time for yourself, paying attention to a friend, being good to yourself as far as exercise & eating, whatever. I will turn 60 this summer. I am looking, more than ever, at what makes life worthwhile. Realizing that the little things are what's important and practicing gratitude are at the top of my list. Do I sound like Emily from "Our Town?" Yes. I mean to. Her monologue is one of the truest things I've ever read: Emily: ... But, just for a moment now we're all together. Mama, just for a moment we're happy. Let's really look at one another! ... I can't. I can't go on. It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. ... Oh, earth, you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it –every,every minute? Stage Manager: No. (pause) The saints and poets, maybe they do some. And this little reminder – that the time for happiness is now – is my gift for 2014 for you, friends. A happy and blessed year to you all.

Thankful

A totally corny and not well-written reflection on my lucky, fortunate life! But I just felt like saying it!

......

Sitting in my little retreat room (really, calling it my "office" just doesn't convey what it is to me...) thinking how grateful I truly am.

I am grateful to have a daughter like Amalia, who makes a warm, loving atmosphere and takes care of everyone in her circle. She is one of the most giving, nurturing people I have ever known, besides being a wonderful and talented and beautiful actress.

And I love knowing that Abby is on the Greyhound bus, riding from the Alpaugh, CA, area to Los Angeles tonight to be with her big sis for Thanksgiving. And we're so proud of Abby and the work she is doing with Americorps, and equally proud of her humor and pluckiness in the hard work she is doing, and the way she is adapting to life with her "Silver 1" team.

I love that Adam is going to be with our friends Linda and Peter for Thanksgiving tomorrow. When you make friends when you are young, I don't think you could dream how wonderful it is to have those friends 35 years later, and have them treating our son as if he is their family.

And, we're so proud of the man Adam has become, the fine work he's been doing in Rep. Baron Hill's office, and the flexible and adventurous attitude he has toward finding new work now, since Hill (way, way unfortunately) did not win the election. And equally proud of the kind of friend Adam is to those in his circle.

So, my heart is just overflowing with gratitude, for wonderful friends and family, for the warmth of hanging out with my mom often, chatting and watching tv; for texting back and forth and calling and being in better touch with my sis, who is brave and so overflowing with love for her Eric as he goes through a journey with leukemia; for the humor and kindness of my sweetie, as we learn to be "empty nesters" and adapt to new patterns. It is a very sweet time in our life together.

And grateful for my dearest girlfriends who will walk with me and help me to get healthier and who will listen to me sometimes telling the same story over again...and give me good advice...

And grateful for the friends who make life at work so rich and friends who journey with us in our synagogue and make a warm community of caring and fun and learning in so many ways.

And as I look out my window to the house next door, I am so grateful that we got wonderful new neighbors who are so much fun and so kind, and it's so much fun to have their little girls next door...we are actually lucky to have a bunch of really great neighbors!

And I am grateful for Facebook and email and my iPhone, which make staying in touch so easy and fun...

I am one very lucky woman. And this week, when I had to have a second mammogram because they thought they spotted something unusual in the first mammogram...and when I spent a couple of days worrying, although everything turned out to be fine...but it made me realize even more how very lucky, how very blessed, my life is.

Challah recipe

Challah is a rich, sweet bread, used by Jews each Shabbat to celebrate the goodness of life.


For four loaves

Needed:
small bowl
large measuring cup
1/3 cup measuring spoon
1/2 cup measuring spoon
1 cup measuring cup
teaspoon
tablespoon
pastry brush
baking sheet
aluminum foil or plastic
(optional) sesame or poppy seeds
canola oil
salt
sugar
honey
Fleishman's (or some other brand) packages of yeast
eggs
flour (I use unbleached white)
clean cloth dishtowel


1. Prep work:
a. Put a kettle of water on to boil.
b. Turn your oven onto a low temp and after a few minutes, turn it off.
c. Take a big bowl. Pour a little bit of oil in and rub it all over the inside.

2. In a large measuring cup, put a dash of sugar and 1/3 cup warm water from the faucet. The water should be warm enough so that you can briefly put your hand under it -- not so hot that you can't, and not so cool that you can just leave your hand there. (Too cool and the yeast won't work; too hot and you will kill the yeast.)

Add two packages dry yeast to the warm water and sugar and stir well. Set aside for a few minutes.

3. In a small bowl, beat three eggs and set aside.

4. Pour 1/2 cup canola oil into the large bowl.

Add a dash of salt.

Add at least 2 tablespoons of sugar.

Add a good-size dollup of honey (about a tablespoon).

Mix it up well.

Add 1 cup boiling water to large bowl. Stir.

Add 1/2 cup cold water. Stir.


5. Add beaten eggs to large bowl. (You can either leave a little in the bowl for brushing on loaves just before baking, or you can just beat another egg to use for that.)

6. Hopefully, the container with yeast has been bubbling up. (If it didn't, REDO Step #2!) If it is nice and bubbly, add to large bowl.

7. Mix it all up. Add seven cups flour and mix well. You may need to add more flour. The dough should not be so sticky that you can't handle it.

8. Turn out on floured board or counter and knead for a few minutes.

9. Re-oil the large bowl. Put the dough back into the large bowl and turn it around so that it is oiled on all sides. Wet the dishtowel and wring it out, then cover the top of the bowl. Put the bowl in the oven and set the timer for one hour.

10. When the timer rings, oil two baking sheets. Take the bowl from the oven and knead the dough for a minute. Cut into 12 equal pieces. Braid into four loaves. Put the loaves onto the oiled baking sheets and leave them to rise again for 45 minutes.

11. Brush the loaves with beaten egg and bake around 375 degrees for about 20 minutes. Check to see if they are brown on the botton; it's easy to let them get too brown!

12. Make sure the loaves are cool before wrapping them in aluminum foil or plastic.

Blessing:

Baruch atah Adonai, eloheynu melech ha'olam, hamotzi lechem min ha aretz. ("Lechem" is pronounced "le-hem" but with a little throaty sound...)

Blessed art thou, Lord our God, creator of the universe, for giving us the grain from the earth.

**********

It is traditional to tear, rather than cut, the first loaf of challah that is passed around on Shabbat. This is in reference to the prophecy of swords being turned into plowshares. But some people cut it.

**********

Refrigerate or freeze. Challah does not keep well if you don't. It makes great toast!