It is almost 11, and I am soon to bed. Thank God. This is just the kind of day that I would have emailed to tell Kit about. I miss her so much, more now than when she died last winter. She understood me, and that I am a person with weaknesses, but still loved me.
I am feeling all those weaknesses tonight. I am so tired that it seems a chore to get out of this chair and go to bed. Abby sits in the other chair in my office, doing her homework. She is a nightbird, no doubt about it.
I worked really hard at my job today, playing catch-up from being sick with a tummy bug yesterday (even though I did do some work from home on the computer). Had lunch with Shirley, Barb and Carol K. at Panera -- soup tasted perfect and was good for my upset tummy!
I left work, drove to North to get Abby. We drove to Redbud to have dinner with my mom and Betty. Then, I drove Abby to Hobby Lobby to get facepaint for her acting class doing "Living Statues" at the Farmers Market Saturday. Then to Bloomingfoods to get her Lotus tickets. Then to the library to return her CDs. Then I dropped her off at home. She let out the dog and took a nap, while I went back to my mom's to go over some information with her. (Mom was very anxious that I look at her papers and her plans for her funeral; she is having heart catheterization on Oct. 10 and is worried about it.) Then I went to Kroger's to get trash tags so the trash can get picked up tomorrow morning. Then, at home I took out the two trash cans, added some stuff. Then I got inside and talked on the phone to two moms whose daughters are coming down to visit Abby for Lotus this weekend.
Now I am going to read a novel for a few minutes and fall gratefully asleep. As I was writing, the thought of Kit never getting to be involved with her kids, never being overwhelmed with stuff to do, never laughing over the trials of our lives together again...
Well, she would have laughed with me over a day like this has been. I would have quoted my old boss, Shirley, one more time: "Thank God, Lynne, for your messy, busy, demanding life. It's what has made you flexible and able to laugh!"
Good night.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
One bummed-out mama
Adam has been sick this past week.
And that has made me realize how primal the parenting experience is. And how things can seem OK, and then suddenly one can be turned into a sniveling, miserable mess.
Because Adam has been sick. And Adam is in Washington, D.C., and I am here. Rather, we are here. And so Adam has been the recipient of a bunch of worried-parent calls, from both of us.
The frustrating thing is that we had just dropped Adam off in D.C. and had left to drive back home to Indiana, after a really fun weekend there -- spent with Linda and Peter, having brunch with them and our friends Deb Galyan and Mike, Dylan and Liam Wilkerson, helping Adam move in and shop for the apartment in Silver Spring where he is living with three other interns...and by the afternoon of the day we left, Adam called and said he felt feverish and sick.
Linda, a friend of mine for -- let's see, for at least 28 years, ended up taking Adam to a doctor, and because they wouldn't accept the Anthem information over the phone (I had forgotten to get an Anthem card for Adam to have in Washington) Linda paid almost $300 with her credit card, got his medicine and juice, took him home -- and then Saturday night, when he was still sick, took him to the doctor again -- rather, the emergency room -- and was with him till almost 1 in the morning! (None of the tests showed anything, which means he has a virus.)
Just knowing that my friend would do that for our son -- in a way that made me feel wonderful because she is wonderful -- but I had this deep, clutching feeling, too. I understood the phrase "my stomach was in knots." I fell asleep crying Saturday night.
I felt guilty over Linda having to do all that. Really, really guilty.
I felt so worried about Adam.
I felt so helpless.
I kept thinking about how, many years ago, I was supposed to pick Linda up after an evening spent table-sitting at the movie China Syndrome, where she was passing out anti-nuclear literature, and how I forgot to go and get her and she had to call me. I kept thinking "She's a better friend than me!" Omigosh, that was so many years ago! It was really verging on the ridiculous to keep bringing that up to myself -- Linda got over it years ago -- obviously we are still friends.
I had a fight with Jordan over all the stuff in the garage.
I realized that being upset over Adam was the cause of the gut-wrenching anxiety and all the negative thoughts and feelings were stemming from that...
Still, glad this weekend is over. Contemplating what to do to thank Linda and Peter for the upheaval in their lives. And Adam --- I called hiim this morning at 7:20, and asked "Are you on the train?" (to start his internship today) He answered "No, I'm sitting in front of the GAO."
Whew.
And that has made me realize how primal the parenting experience is. And how things can seem OK, and then suddenly one can be turned into a sniveling, miserable mess.
Because Adam has been sick. And Adam is in Washington, D.C., and I am here. Rather, we are here. And so Adam has been the recipient of a bunch of worried-parent calls, from both of us.
The frustrating thing is that we had just dropped Adam off in D.C. and had left to drive back home to Indiana, after a really fun weekend there -- spent with Linda and Peter, having brunch with them and our friends Deb Galyan and Mike, Dylan and Liam Wilkerson, helping Adam move in and shop for the apartment in Silver Spring where he is living with three other interns...and by the afternoon of the day we left, Adam called and said he felt feverish and sick.
Linda, a friend of mine for -- let's see, for at least 28 years, ended up taking Adam to a doctor, and because they wouldn't accept the Anthem information over the phone (I had forgotten to get an Anthem card for Adam to have in Washington) Linda paid almost $300 with her credit card, got his medicine and juice, took him home -- and then Saturday night, when he was still sick, took him to the doctor again -- rather, the emergency room -- and was with him till almost 1 in the morning! (None of the tests showed anything, which means he has a virus.)
Just knowing that my friend would do that for our son -- in a way that made me feel wonderful because she is wonderful -- but I had this deep, clutching feeling, too. I understood the phrase "my stomach was in knots." I fell asleep crying Saturday night.
I felt guilty over Linda having to do all that. Really, really guilty.
I felt so worried about Adam.
I felt so helpless.
I kept thinking about how, many years ago, I was supposed to pick Linda up after an evening spent table-sitting at the movie China Syndrome, where she was passing out anti-nuclear literature, and how I forgot to go and get her and she had to call me. I kept thinking "She's a better friend than me!" Omigosh, that was so many years ago! It was really verging on the ridiculous to keep bringing that up to myself -- Linda got over it years ago -- obviously we are still friends.
I had a fight with Jordan over all the stuff in the garage.
I realized that being upset over Adam was the cause of the gut-wrenching anxiety and all the negative thoughts and feelings were stemming from that...
Still, glad this weekend is over. Contemplating what to do to thank Linda and Peter for the upheaval in their lives. And Adam --- I called hiim this morning at 7:20, and asked "Are you on the train?" (to start his internship today) He answered "No, I'm sitting in front of the GAO."
Whew.
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